February 2021

part of me doesn't care if you ever respond to this. part of me hopes you do. part of me doesn't even know why i'm bothering and then part of me is praying to whatever god listens that you take the time to read it, think on it and then respond to it, before you just react. but i guess it's a crap shoot either way. who knows what will come or if anything will. history has shown that no matter what i say, it won't be right. so i guess, i'm biting the bullet and hoping that no matter how 'wrong' i am in your eyes, you'll take the time to hear me out and not immediately write me off like you tend to do. so i guess here goes.

i have spent my entire life trying to protect you and support you. i've been the first person there waving a pride flag while you tried to figure out if you were ready to come out or not and the first person to tell you that it is only ever your terms no one elses. i was the first person to happily welcome cordy back into the fold and the very first person to tell you that you had to put you first and if she was ever not the one, that you didn't have to keep her for us. i have done nothing but ever support you and be by your side. i don't understand the need you have to keep our parents in your life, but i support that choice because it is yours. i listened when you said you felt like cordelia was gaslighting you and never invalidated your feelings. i have gone to you for advice and an ear, i've asked your opinion and listened to your critcism.

i don't know what shifted in january, this damn thing has taken me weeks to write, but everything changed. i don't know why you went from being on my side, my team, to being team cordelia only. i don't know what i ever did to deserve your animosity, your need to be angry at me. i don't know why telling you when you make me feel an inch tall is suddenly the wrong thing to do. i get where i was wrong going to cordelia when you laughed at me and we all dealt with it. even when cordelia made light of the whole thing and told me i should have known that she was uncomfortable. we all talked, i thought we had all handled it like adults. but then i dared to ask her for help. i dared to think this person who was supposed to be my friend, would help me on something i don't know how to do and i got brushed aside. and when i said something to her about how i felt, i got told i was the asshole. i got told how i was making her the villain. how i was being the rude one. how i was the one who was making things weird, and no matter how i tried to explain MY feelings. the way i felt, i was invalidated over and over. only how she felt mattered. it didn't matter how she made me feel, only how i made her feel.

i don't know why when i tried to talk to you about it. when she was doing to me exactly what you had voice she did to you, i was met with anger. why i wasn't given the curtesy of you listening to me. you were such a hypocrite. you said in one breath that i was a jerk and an asshole, but in the next that i was allowed to feel how ever i did and my feelings weren't invalid. but you treated them like they were. you treated me like i was nothing. you treated me like our parents have always treated me, and that isn't you birdie. i don't know why you seem to hold such hate for me suddenly. i don't know what i did. i don't know why everything she does is perfect and everything i do is shit. i don't know why i am the dog shit on your shoe, while she is your golden queen.

you told me to look at how i spoke to everyone recently. you two are the only people who think i did anything wrong. i asked others. i asked multiple people about it and you know what they all said? you guys were taking something out on me. that you were angry about something and i triggered it somehow and whatever had you angry wasn't my fault. i've never made you my punching bag, i've always tried to protect you. but you made me yours. and i don't deserve that. i don't deserve to be shit on by either of you. i didn't do a damn thing to deserve it.

i didn't even know you moved. not once in any of the times we spoke did you ever feel it necessary to tell me you were moving in with her. i had to find out from our little sister when she said she was moving into your house and i asked if you guys would like living together again. do you have any idea how that feels? moving in with your girlfriend is a big step, but rather than tell me this good news you hid it. you may not see it as hiding, but you told zelda and not me. that's hiding it. why didn't you want me to know? what did i do to you that was so bad that you are cutting me out of your life? was i not there enough? did i not protect you well enough? because god knows i tried.

do you think i hate cordelia all of a sudden? are you trying to protect her from my opinions? do you feel guilty that you spoke up about how you felt like she was treating you? i never said a word to her, it wasn't my place. but i can't figure out why you are so angry at me. why you are taking out your frustration on me for whatever is going on. i don't understand.

i won't apologize for feeling like i was treated poorly. i won't apologize for standing up for myself and voicing my feelings. i miss you. i miss us. but i don't miss being told i am the problem. i'm 33 years old, when i left at 18, being the problem was supposed to be finished. i shouldn't still be anyone's scape goat.